You are altogether beautiful, my darling, beautiful in every way. Songs of Solomon 4:7
I used to dream of living secluded from society as I know it. A life away from mirrors, fashion models, diets, and even my friends and family. Any place far enough away that everybody forgets about me and nobody will know what I look like or weigh. To me, living in a mental ward sounded like freedom. A place where I would have no access to food and would only be fed during my scheduled meals times. A life absent of clothes sizes, but with a plethora of loose-fitting hospital gowns. Never having to fear running into an old friend or having a photo of myself tagged on Facebook. Ahhh bliss.
During my journey, a close friend of mine was visiting from Arizona. She listened as I explained how badly I was struggling and then she asked me,”What does recovery look like to you?”
Recovery doesn’t often look the way we want it to. I was never ready to face the reality of recovery because I wanted it on my own terms.
Once I’m fit…then I’ll be recovered.
Everyone will look at my body in awe and THAT’S how they’ll know I’m recovered.
I can’t recover now because I’m fat, and that means I failed at my eating disorder.
And so the cycle carried on and I only strayed farther away from my “dream body” as I continued hurting my metabolism, my spirit, and a chance at a real life of freedom.
The truth is, my family doesn’t need me to be skinny. They need me alive and healthy. My friends don’t need me to look like a Kardashian. They need me to be there when when a boyfriend breaks up with them. They need to me laugh. They need me to listen. They need me to be.
Some days I still awake with fear that people will judge me by the way I look. I look in the mirror and ask myself, “Am I pretty?” I’m afraid people will see how uncomfortable I am in my own skin. I’m afraid that they will not want to be my friend because I am not “pretty enough.” The reality is, maybe it’s true. Maybe people won’t like the way I look. Maybe people will criticize my body and judge me. Maybe. But my identity doesn’t rest in their opinions. My identity rests in my maker.
So here’s the truth, you will never be good enough according to society’s standards. There will always be one more pound to lose, one more celebrity to compare yourself to, or one more girl at school who has better hair than you. But there will never be another you. Only you can make your friends laugh the way you do. Only you can make your parents as proud as they are of you. Only you can dream your crazy, wild dreams and actually be brave enough to believe they might come true.
You are pretty, but beyond that, you are brave.
You are strong.
You are loved.
You are priceless.
God awaited the day you were born and yes, you, you are worthy.
Watch my testimony on youtube about how I recovered from bulimia, EDNOS, and self hate here:
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