There seems to be an interesting epidemic running rampant throughout our society. Walls are built, dreamers are silenced, dancers are handicapped, lovers are separated, children are abandoned, and an entire world is dying because of one little word: Insecurity.
Out of curiosity, I decided to see what Websters dictionary defined “insecurity” as:
- not adequately guarded or sustained
- deficient in assurance : beset by fear and anxiety
I struggled with insecurity my entire life. Now, I know that sounds a bit dramatic, but I can remember being 4 years old and feeling a wave of insecurity because I overheard someone refer to my belly as a “chubby baby belly.” Those words produced fear inside of me and ever since, I had been in a losing war with my body…or so I thought.
All throughout my years with bulimia, I used to think that if only I looked like a celebrity, my life would be perfect. Counselors, therapists, and Doctors all tried to tell me that the reason I was hurting myself was because I hated who I was on the inside, but all along I thought they were wrong. I thought that I loved who I was. I was sarcastic, funny, and a self-professed “B” word. All I needed was the perfect body and my life would be perfect.
I’ve shared my story about how God radically delivered me from bulimia and my fight to sustain it. It took hours, days, weeks, and months of pursuing recovery and really believing that I could overcome this; and I did. But once my drug of choice had been taken from me, I discovered that addictions really are just that: a drug. Something that numbs. Turns out, all those counselors, therapists, and Doctors weren’t lying to me. I really didn’t like myself.
I’ve been in recovery for 17 months now and it’s been interesting to see how all the ways I have managed to keep people out of my life by hiding behind the bulimia. It’s always a scary feeling when you are venturing out into the unknown, but in reality it’s the best place I have ever been because God can finally clothe me with what I was created for. Love.
As children, we all played hide and go seek. The goal was to find the best hiding place where no one would ever think to look. If we found a really good spot, we would find ourselves stuck there for what seemed like an eternity as we listened to others trying to find us. What started out to be fun begins to get frustrating as we hide there alone, because the thrill comes not in the hiding, but in being found.
I spent my entire life hiding, hoping that someday I would be found but too afraid to step out alone. God never stopped his pursuit of me and the most beautiful part is that as much as I was happy to be found, his excitement and joy surpassed anything I could have experienced.
So let us love what we were made to be because God is the master designer and he isn’t going to make his first mistake on you.
Forget about self-confidence; it’s useless. Cultivate God-confidence. I Corinthians 10:12
Sharing is my love language! Like this post? Feel free to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever else you’d like!