A Singles Guide for Surviving Valentines Day

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, which means many will be finding themselves in line at the local market.  Some will be buying cheap, heart-shaped chocolates paired with flowers while others will be browsing the Ben and Jerry’s flavor options while waiting for their Prozac to be refilled.

I’ve experience Valentine’s Day as both single and in a relationship.  I was once both one year, starting the day off in a relationship, only to break up with him halfway through (what can I say, I like to make sure I’m not easily forgotten).  All around, Valentine’s Day has its own set of problems for the singles and non singles alike; but since I am single now, I thought I would reach out to my fellow man and offer some words of advice to help get you through this holiday!

Avoid alcohol. They say that hindsight is 20/20 and I’m here to help pass along some wisdom acquired by my own a friend’s experience. In years past,  V-Day prep would begin on the evening of the 13th. My friend I liked to prepare by either drinking an entire bottle of wine or bottom shelf vodka, depending on the status of my bank account.  Plus drinking ensures that I would most likely sleep in until 12pm, which helped me out by missing half of Valentine’s Day! Most sane people pair a good bottle of wine with an expensive cheese or hor dourves, but I preferred to pair it with Ryan Gosling movies (trust me when I say that there is no other person you would rather get drunk with than Ryan Gosling on Valentine’s Day weekend).

Now this may sound like your dream V Day weekend, but trust me when I say that that you don’t want to be waking up with a hangover and a text from your ex saying “Are you ok? You called me a thousand times.” Girl, you are not Adele and you can’t wipe your tears of embarrassment with your 20 Grammys and millions of dollars! So just do yourself a favor and pass on the wine, avoid Ryan Gosling movies, and read a good book like The Holy Bible. Stay away from the Songs of Solomon though. Maybe stick with something like Leviticus.

anigif_enhanced-buzz-4949-1365088343-5.gif

Bottomless Mimosas. Wait, didn’t I just tell you not to drink? Yes, I did.  But let’s face it, if you’re strong enough NOT to drink on Valentine’s Day then you really don’t need any advice from this blog. With that said, I highly recommend grabbing brunch with a bunch of your fellow single girlfriends and keep those bottomless mimosas flowing! There’s no heartache that a room full of estrogen and champagne can’t fix!

jtkpmx

 

Invest in a body pillow. Rumor has it that it also helps to have a body pillow handy so you can fall asleep wrapped up in it pretending it’s not a pillow, but an actual human body. Like I said, that’s just a rumor that I have NO experience with WHATSOEVER.

8d19ff83ab29ccf21d570234fcf82abb

 

Kiss your pity party goodbye.  Seriously, if you’re embarrassed about your lack of love in your life, the only thing more embarrassing is being that person who constantly talks or posts on social media about hating it! Do you really expect your prince charming to see that and say, “Well, I saw her posting about how much she hates love, flowers, couples, romance, the Son of God, and sunshine and that’s when I knew that I couldn’t live without her!” Don’t be that person. Get out, throw those ringless hands in the air and rock that confidence I know you have!

tumblr_mhocu7tv1e1qh9nffo1_500

 

There you have it! I hope from the bottom of my single heart that you end up having an amazing Valentine’s Day full of mimosas, ice-cream, and love. Xoxo.

If you liked this post, you might also like 20 Things I Wish I Knew In My Early 20’s and Single People are the Worst!

A Single’s Guide for Surviving Christmas

Ahh, Christmas.  Laughter, Christmas carols, Mariah Carey, couples getting engaged, and mistletoe that you won’t be getting kissed under but you’ll rather become the butt of some joke at a holiday Christmas party when you realize you’re standing under it with your boss. I love the holidays!

Being single, the holidays can be mixed with emotions especially when after the holiday parties, your family and friends go home with their significant others while you stay with mom and dad watching Love Actually and eating leftover cranberry bliss bars for the 8th time. I decided that I don’t want my single friends to have to suffer through another holiday season alone, so I put together my top 5 pieces of advice to help get you through!  So let’s raise a glass of *spiked* eggnog and begin!

  1. Deactivate your Facebook.  My Facebook feed averages about sixteen-hundred generic engagement photos around this time. It’s just one photo after the other of a man on one knee in front of the Christmas tree, a photo of a newly adorned hand (with bad lighting) in front of Christmas lights, a happy couple holding champagne glasses with the caption “He put a ring on it. He must have liked it ;).” It only took one day of these types of posts for me to vomit all over my keyboard.  Granted, I’m still unsure if the vomit was due to these posts or the entire chocolate rum cake I committed myself to. But better safe than sorry, so I deactivated the FB! For the sake of your computer and liver, I advise you do the same!tumblr_inline_mh64ez9Evf1rwvk4w
  2. Drink a lot.  No, no, no! I know that you think I just gave you permission to drown your sorrows in vodka cranberries, but I am actually referring to water! The way I see it, if I have to listen to all my newly engaged friends talk excessively about their new fiance, I want to at least be properly hydrated. It also gives me the excuse of having to use the restroom every half hour where I can be free for a blissful two minutes! (Also, vodka cranberries don’t necessarily hurt the situation).tumblr_ncbcs6IFSP1saxwc2o1_400
  3. Become a Vegan. The only thing that people will harass you with questions about more than your relationship status is the fact that you no longer ingest eggs.  Who cares if you’re a vegan or not, just politely decline the cheese platter at every holiday gathering with the explanation that you’ve just decided to be better and more self-righteous than every other person there and voila! Your relationship status officially bores them and now they want to know about your protein intake.  No one has to know that you secretly ate an entire block of brie cheese in your bed last night after you drank an entire bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon because you logged onto your facebook only to be bombarded with fifteen-hundred engagement announcements.  NO ONE HAS TO KNOW. anigif_enhanced-24955-1448919657-2
  4. Take advantage of Amazon Prime.  Families on a budget seem to forget that because you are a 29 year old single female, you don’t have a significant other who can make up for the lack of gifts. This can make the holiday season feel somewhat depressing when you see photos of your friend’s new Michael Kohrs bags and watches and new cars and diamonds and concert tickets and fitbits and and and (you get the point).  This can be easily solved using Amazon Prime! Amazon has everything you could possibly need to help add excitement to your own life this holiday season! My go-to purchases are wine, chocolate, paper towels (because eating cake in bed is messy), and some sort of diet product for when I decide it’s time to attempt to lose ten pounds in a week. I order each thing separately so that it’s like Christmas every time I come home. tumblr_mxrxdifYtV1sdty8jo1_500
  5. Start a Fitspo instagram.  I haven’t tried this one yet, but I feel that it could be helpful since girls with fitness Instagrams are always bragging about how they are in a happy and committed relationship with things like peanut butter and sleeping. I feel that I can really give myself to that type of relationship, especially if in return I get arms like Michelle Obama.giphy

 

So there you have it,  my single comrades!  May your holiday season be filled with wine-induced laughter, netflix binges, and cuddling up with your chocolate cake!

Like this post? Share now with your family and friends!

If you liked this post, you may also like 20 Things I Learned in My Early 20’s and 10 Things to Never, Ever Say to a Single Person.

 

Love Your Selfie!

Selfies, also once known as self-portraits, have taken over the internet by storm.  I admit that at first I did not know how I felt about such a phenomenon. Prior to 2004 (when MySpace first made it’s debut), selfies were almost non-existent on the internet.

MySpace was first started as a website where people would post photos of themselves and others would rate how hot they were on a scale from 1-10. This then created the pressure to have the perfect photo! MySpace was the first home for the bathroom selfies. You know, the ones that you took with your Razor flip phone when you think you look good but you forgot to windex your mirror? From there, the human race eventually discovered that they no longer needed a dirty bathroom mirror to capture a photo of themselves, just long arms and the right lighting would do the trick.

giphy

Now, selfies have become just an added activity to the every day life of a human. It’s just as common as brushing your teeth everyday and the variety of selfies are endless. Gym selfies. Car selfies. Bored selfies. No makeup Monday selfies. Short hair don’t care selfies. An inspirational quote selfie. A cry for attention selfies. Just hanging out selfies.

Basically, if you didn’t take a selfie, did your day really happen?

5046339_orig

 

There seems to be an unending debate as to whether or not selfies should exist. The way I see it, if you aren’t for selfies you are wasting your time. They aren’t going anywhere. In fact, they are only growing in popularity!

Personally, I am in support of selfies.

Why? Because as someone who struggled with insecurity for so long, I’d rather see people embracing who they are than hiding it.

It’s funny because I remember having a conversation with people a few years back when I was struggling with a lot of insecurity. They would always say, “I wish you could know how beautiful you are.” Fast forward to the present and I am now an avid selfie-taker. Not because I am vain or conceited, but because I’m confident. The same people who used to say they wished I could see my beauty are the ones who have tried to make me feel inferior because I take a self-portrait every once in a while.

It’s somewhat of an inconsistent message that we are sending. Be confident in who you are but not too confident because then I’ll feel insecure.

Do you take selfies? Great! I applaud you and all the work that goes into taking a perfect selfie! Love your beauty and never apologize for seeing it!

Do you hate taking selfies? That’s ok! You don’t need to take selfies to be a confident person. I am sure you are beautiful and you don’t even have to prove it to me with a picture!

My point is, whether you like selfies or not, they are here to stay. I’m embracing the movement. If you don’t want to, fine. But don’t try to make others feel badly about themselves for it.

I’m just saying, take as many selfies as you want. There are multi-million dollar companies with old white men as CEOs that profit off of your low self-esteem and self-hate.

destroy them.

love yourself.”

-anonymous.

Six year old Rihanna knew she'd love selfies.

Six year old Rihanna knew she’d love selfies.

Sharing is my love language! Like this post? Share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever else you’d like!

 

10 Lessons I Learned from Ministry School

Two years ago I arrived in Redding, California. A town I knew nothing about to attend Bethel School of Ministry.  I remember standing in line for registration, overwhelmed with the loud, out-going and over-ecstatic students who all seemed to want to hug me at the same time.  Around the time I passed the 296th hipster I saw, I wondered if I would soon have to embrace lifestyle of indie music, vintage clothes and artisanal coffee.  Does Beyonce count as indie?

I was terrified because I had no idea the capacity of beauty that lied ahead for me. Two years have since passed and although it was hard,  I have survived. My life has been forever shifted.  I love deeper, live fuller, but yet Beyonce is still the number one more played artist on my Spotify playlist.

This last week I have found myself reflecting on all that has happened in these last two years. I’ve learned so much, but here are some highlights:

1. Impossible is an illusion. When I had arrived, I had learned to live with an eating disorder lurking in every corner. I bought into the lie that I would have to live with it forever because it was all I had ever known.  Now, when I hear people use the phrase “transforming power of God” I know that it’s real because I am a walking testimony to that as I am now a year and a half free from bulimia. There’s no place so dark where God can’t shine through.

2. Coffee is a dietary supplement. Don’t like coffee? You may want to consider that ministry school may not be where God is calling you.

3. A Coffee date isn’t really a date. A coffee date is the politically correct way to let another person know that you may be interested at some point in the distant future at getting to know them. Make sure that you make it clear that you have no intentions and act like you hardly even know their name. Also, be sure to pretend that you have NEVER spent an excessive amount of time on their facebook with your roommate!  It’s like an unofficial interview for a real date because people who go on real dates are practically already engaged. What happens if you go on a real date with someone only to find out they are called to Hollywood and you are called to AFRICA?! Unless you are Brangelina, IT WILL NEVER WORK. Plus you just wasted like $30, which  let’s be honest is a large sum of money for students. That’s what the coffee date is for. It’s cheap, efficient, and you can always get out of it early by claiming to have another coffee date waiting for you.

4. There are broken people everywhere. Sometimes, coming into a place like this, it’s easy to let your guard down and let everybody into your heart. Generally, that leaves you hurt. Learn to love, but protect your heart.  Competition in friendship is ugly. Find friends where you can love and celebrate each other’s victories, beauty and life and keep them close.

5. Embrace the awkward hug. Gosh, ministry school students might be the most awkward huggers ever because they insist on ALWAYS hugging.  You can be walking with 6 bags in your hands while trying to carry your kale and quinoa salad in a mason jar in your arms and 4 books on your head and they will STILL try to hug you! Don’t even get me started on how mortifying it is when they go in for a side hug and you’re thinking real hug so you end up with your neck looking over their arm with no body to embrace you and gosh, you just feel so vulnerable!

6. Vulnerability is beautiful.  There were a few times when I knew I had made a mistake and old Rihanna would have brushed it away and carried on figuring that nobody needed to know.  But there’s a beauty to being fully real and fully honest with someone and giving them the opportunity to see every part of you, the good and the ugly, and loving you anyways.

7. You have to experience the process before you can experience the fruit.  I love that the typical school year is 9 months because it reminds me of a mother who is growing a new life within her.  She doesn’t see the baby.  She can’t hold and show off the baby, but she knows it’s coming.  The 9 months is a roller coaster of emotions ranging from joy and anticipation, to pain and wondering if you will make it out alive. The life comes after the process and should never be rushed because just as a mother doesn’t want a pre-mature baby, we shouldn’t want a pre-mature destiny.

8. You will be emotional. Sometimes, you will find yourself driving around late at night listening to anything from Brian and Jenn Johnson to Taylor Swift to Sia because you are just SO CONFUSED about where your life is going.  It’s ok.  Nobody really knows and that’s the beauty of it. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

9. Learn to embrace the awkward run-in.  Redding is a seemingly small town and Bethel has about 2000 students which means that it is literally impossible to go ANYWHERE without seeing someone you know or kind of know.  Long gone are the days where you can run into your local grocery store in your sweatpants and an old, oversized shirt with no makeup and two different shoes. You never know if your crush is going to be there buying organic apples and kombucha!  Do you want to be single forever?! I didn’t think so. So brush your hair and put on your best vintage floral dress because you need almond milk!

10. God is always good.  He is always, always, always good. There has not been one instance where God has left me stranded or let me down. Despite moving here with no car, no place to live, and no money; I have never had to go without.  His goodness amazes me on a daily basis. A common phrase He hears from me is “God, you are so crazy.”  His love is so deep.  When you really fully surrender your life to Him, He loves to shower his love on you.

In closing, the last two years were more rewarding, challenging, and beautiful than I had anticipated.  But what I find most exciting is that my best days are yet to come.

stock-footage-a-little-girl-swings-back-and-forth-on-a-rope-swing-looking-out-over-the-ocean-medium-shot

Sharing is my love language! Like this post? Feel free to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever else you’d like!

Puppies, Chocolate, and Kindness. What do they all have in common?

We all love an everyday hero.   The stranger buying a single mom’s groceries at the market.  A student offering to buy a homeless man a sandwich.  The couple that pays for another families meals at dinner. The ones that don’t necessarily wear a cape and fight crime, but they still manage to make the world around them a little brighter.

Kindness is love in action.

Jacob and Ted Thatcher are just two boys from Indiana who have taken the initiative to change the world one act of random kindness at a time. They, along with three others, started a non-profit just over a year ago called ARK Project Now. ARK is an acronym that stands for Acts of Random Kindness. Their mission is to change the world one act of random kindness at a time. Kindness is love in action and for every kind act dished out, the recipient is asked to “pay it forward.”

The project has grown very quickly over the past twelve months and they are now planning a 6,000 mile road trip across the United States. They will be traveling in an RV and have created a scavenger hunt list of kind things to do along the way. As they travel they will be filming each act to create fun videos and a documentary.

ark

I thought that this was a great idea and so very Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie of them (minus the dozens of child adoptions) and so they challenged me to do the same.  I spent hours trying to think of the greatest way that I could pay it forward.  I imagined myself in a nail salon, dishing out the latest celebrity gossip and winning the affections of everyone around me.  I would then win the entire salon’s approval and affection as I blurted out, “Pedi’s on me, ladies! ‘Flowa’s’ all around!”

I could drive to the local dog pound and purchase every puppy to give to every sad child in the area! Good Morning America and Oprah would vie for my attention and interviews.  I imagined myself standing in front of the now empty dog pound, surrounded by puppies and children as a film crew documented me frolicking amoungst them while being licked on the face by a puppy as I laughed into the air! They would ask what inspired this generous act of random kindness and I would proudly declare that it was Ted and Jacob Thatcher and the ARK project! Oprah would donate a generous donation to the project and soon the Thatcher boys would have their own reality show on MTV that documented their good deeds and their hilarious and single friends (AKA me).

Yes! We would all be celebrities! Mariah Carey’s “Hero” suddenly began playing out of nowhere  as I leaped out of bed and slide across our wood floors in my pink, fuzzy slippers to my computer.  I opened my laptop to google “puppy pound” when suddenly reality hit me: I am an unemployed student.

Devastated, I was forced to put my puppy pound dream aside and think of a more realistic approach.  I racked my brain with ideas and it hit me, the only thing people love more than puppies is chocolate.  So, I went to Trader Joe’s and purchased a nice card along with some dark chocolate.  A friend and I wrote a few encouraging notes in the card and decided to give it to a random person. It was so simple and only cost a few dollars, yet someone’s entire day was changed and now she can pay it forward as well.

securedownload (2)

 

Now, it’s YOUR turn! HOW YOU CAN HELP:

Their team has been working tirelessly to raise money for the trip and they want to be able to bless as many people as possible along the way. Right now they are in a competition to raise $10,000 through an opportunity with a company called KIND: Snacks. Each month KIND gives $10,000 away to the charity with the most “votes” in the competition they put on. That said, they NEED your votes to win! Each person is worth FOUR votes. 1) For the initial “vote” for the group via the link below 2) a share via FB 3) a share via Twitter and 4) a share via email.

Here is a snazzy 2 minute video that further explains the competition and project (Link to VOTE):

http://projects.kindsnacks.com/project/inspire-an-epidemic-of-kindness/

To find out more about ARKProjectNow head over to their website www.ARKProjectNow.com or email Ted directly at tthatcher44@gmail.com

Find ARK Project Now on FacebookTwitter and Instagram
securedownload
So there you have it! Please be sure to vote, share on FB and twitter and help change the world one Act of Random Kindness at a time!

Buzzfeed STRESSES ME OUT AND BROKE MY HEART

Ok, let’s just get right to the point. Buzzfeed is taking over the world. Or at least the internet, which these days is basically the same thing.

Unless you’ve lived under a rock, Buzzfeed is the last and greatest blogging site that posts something like six hundred and twenty-four thousand times a day with captivating titles like, “Which Celebrity Should You Get Drunk With?” or “What European Country Should You Live In?” I mean, these are all legitimate questions that I have often times found myself wondering.  Plus, now I know that when James Franco approaches me in with a whiskey sour, I should kindly turn him away because Buzzfeed said I’m better off drinking with Jennifer Lawrence and I also happen to know that whiskey sours are not my drink, but rather vodka tonics are. How do I know that? Buzzfeed.

As all addictions do, it begins innocently.  I’m just curious, plus everyone else is doing it.  I’ll be laying in my twin bed, scrolling through my newsfeed and Buzzfeed asks, “Which Beyoncé Are You?”  Well, I don’t know.  I’ve never been asked that question before.  I’d like to think that I’m more like “Illuminati Beyoncé” because the idea of world power is intriguing, but as I mentioned, I’m sleeping on a twin bed at the age of 28 so world domination isn’t quite my thing yet.  I’d like to be “Crazy In Love Beyoncé”, but the last person to I tried to make confess their love to me was Siri and that didn’t end so well for me.

Actual conversation I had.  I'm over you Siri!

Actual conversation I had. I’m over you Siri!

Suddenly, I feel as though I have no idea who I am. What if I’m “Destiny’s Child Beyoncé” and I am forced to share the stage of life with Kelly Rowland and some other chick whose name literally nobody knows! Am I “Blu-Ivy’s Mother Beyoncé?” I mean, I am always exhausted and I do find myself standing in the mirror screaming “What happened to me?! My body used to be amazing until this [food] baby came along and now I can’t even button my skinny jeans!”   I have only one option.  Click the link and find out.

I then take a step of faith and click the link, knowing that I may be forced to see results that I may not want to see.

First question: Pick a Pizza.  Umm, alright.  This one on the upper left. I like pepperoni. No , wait.  Too plain.  Maybe this one in the middle.  Supreme. Yes. Supreme meaning ultimate.  World domination.  A little bit of everything. Oh dangit. There’s a low-calorie pizza option?! Should I pick that one? SASHA FIERCE WHAT WOULD YOU DO?!

Next Question: What’s a typical Friday night for you? Well, I’m in ministry school so street evangelism.  Hmmm, I don’t see street evangelism as an option. Ok. What’s the next best thing to winning souls for Christ? Netflix and cookie dough.  Yes, I feel the anointing on that one. *Click*

Third Question: Pick a Justin Timberlake. Bleached and curly-haired N’Sync Justin? No. Sexy Back Justin? Maybe. 20/20 Justin. Hmm…too long winded. Britney Spears Justin. Yes! The ultimate power couple that never was!

Fourth Question: Who would you rather date? Umm, wait. This is literally all pictures of Jay-Z. Is this a trick question? Jay-Z smoking a cigar. Jay-Z in front of a wall of fire. Jay-Z on a motorcycle.  Jay-Z with a Yankees hat. Jay-Z in a beanie. WHAT IS HAPPENING BUZZFEED? Oh wait, there is one of Jay-Z on his iphone. Let’s pick that one and pretend he’s instagram stalking me or something.

Fifth Question: What’s Your Life Philosophy?  Well, considering “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly” is an option, let’s just assume that this isn’t going to end well and I’ll have to settle.  “I’m a survivor.” Whatever. Sure.

And this process goes on for another few minutes as I pick my favorite outfit, my drink of choice, favorite social media website and so on.  Keep in mind, the whole time I am feeling extremely over-anxious and like I am lying if I answer a question the wrong way! I mean, how do I know that I would prefer Paris over Amsterdam?! I’ve only ever been to Paris!

Finally, the moment I have been waiting for.  The moment when everything is about to make sense in life. My life question will finally be answered as I find out which Beyoncé I am. I scroll down, in anxious anticipation as if I’m about to walk into my own surprise party and innocently laugh as I pretend that I’m not loving all this attention… And the answer is…

beyonce4

WHAT?? That’s it? 4?! I just poured my heart and soul into picking the best outfit for a night out and all you have to say is that I’m innovative and blow people away with my awesomeness?? WHAT EVEN KIND OF HAIR IS THAT BUZZFEED YOU CAN’T EVEN GIVE ME A PICTURE WITH A HOT WEAVE!?

Whatever. I’m over it.  Consider yourself dead to me, Buzzfeed. Unless of course I ever need to know what Olympic Athlete I should go on a road trip with, then I’ll reconsider.

 

Does Buzzfeed stress you out? Please tell me I’m not alone.

What Hollywood has lead me to believe about life, love, and the pursuit of abs.

I love movies.  Especially romantic comedies.  I know, I know I am being totally cliche, but I don’t care.  There is nothing quite like cuddling up in a big, warm blanket with chocolate and self-pity while watching two awkward and incompatible strangers defeat all odds and fall in love in a matter of 90 minutes.  I’ve learned a lot about life and love from watching movies, so I decided it’s only fair for me to share my wealth of wisdom with you. Here are 7 things Hollywood has taught me thus far:

 

1. Men love a socially awkward ditz.  No longer is the popular, blonde bombshell every guy’s dream, but it is the brunette who spends all her free time in the library because she is stressed about her grade point average dropping below a 4.0. Generally she wears over-sized glasses and either has her hair in a messy pony tail, or down with bangs that cover her eyes in order to make her seem more mysterious. She normally still lives at home with her over-protective parents and her clothes are plain and boring. However, the most handsome guy in school somehow manages to fall in love with her and she then automatically transforms into some hot bombshell and does crazt things like getting contacts and a curling iron.  This scenario always leaves me feeling hopeless. Is it possible to have the best of both worlds? Can a girl be smart AND a bombshell? Do I really have to choose?

hjl

2.  Guys are crazy stalkers.  The scene always seems to start at a bar. Strong, independent female lead lets her hair down and orders a few patron shots as she sits alone (a typical scene from my early twenties that strangely never led me down the path to finding true love).  A handsome man who has a bad womanizing streak watches in the distance and then decides to join her. The two hit off, take some more shots and then call it a night.  The next day, the woman goes into work and as she’s gushing to her friends about her night, the same handsome man shows up! At her work! With flowers! WHO DOES THAT? HOW DOES HE KNOW WHERE SHE WORKS?? If the woman declines his offer, he will then show up at her house. Then at a party that a mutual friend is throwing. He basically never goes away until she says yes. WHY IS SHE SAYING YES TO THIS? HAS SHE NEVER WATCHED DATELINE?! Does she not realize that there is such a thing as crazy, sociopath serial killers? Guys, just keep your stalking to Facebook like most sane people do! Maybe throw in a random “like” on one of her profile pictures. I promise she won’t stop talking about you to her friends if you do. As crazy as these stalking scenarios sound, I am curious as to how they find these passionately obsessed stalkers. I mean, the last time I was out with a guy was because I asked him out (yep, I did it). I haven’t had any luck getting a free dinner out of a guy, let alone my own personal stalker.

3. Secluding yourself and binge eating ice cream after a break up is totally acceptable and will not in any way, shape, or form have any negative connotation on your abs.

tumblr_md1zcfqmWn1qi9v0p

4. If you can’t find the man of your dreams in your social circles, perhaps try The hospital’s memory care unit. Lucy in While You Were Sleeping basically got engaged by just telling a man suffering from a traumatic brain injury that she was his fiance. No, they didn’t end up together but she did marry his brother, so she won regardless. No one thought this was weird and creepy, but rather cute and endearing which really makes me mad because in the 1st grade, I tried telling Wesley Pierce that he was my boyfriend and he just laughed at me and ran to the other end of the playground.

5. In order to be viewed as a strong a successful woman, I need to be a magazine editor who is closed off and seems content without a significant other. She actually goes home and eats Chinese take out every night and watches old love movies as she falls asleep (also notice that she is like 105 pounds despite her take out habit). Guys, I guess, find that endearing.

tumblr_mdo79sxrPP1rpgn16o1_400

6. Being secretly watched is uber romantic and a sign of true love. I’ve lost track of the times where there is a scene where a guy sits in his car and watches the woman he adores sit alone in a restaurant as she waits patiently for him. Normally he never goes in and she leaves sad and depressed. However, the moment he confesses to her that he was watching her and describes in every detail her every move that night (um, creepy), she falls for him all over again.  I actually have a first-hand experience with this and let me just say that it is neither cute or romantic.  A few years ago, I broke up with this guy on Valentine’s day. YES, ON VALENTINE’S DAY. People can accuse me of being evil, but in my defense I wouldn’t have done it if he wasn’t so annoying. Later in the day, I was at school and received a text that stated, “I couldn’t bear to not give you your valentine’s day present so I left it on your car. You can go get it. I left.” I was already annoyed because the main reason I broke up with him was because he was over-bearing and literally never let me breathe.  So, I walk out to my car and bring the gift inside. I immediately get another text from him saying, “I am so sorry it ended up like this. You look really good in pink and your hair looks nice.” I think he thought it would be really romantic and sweet, but it really just validated my reasons for breaking up with him.

7. Girls love financially unstable men.  In The Notebook, Allie leaves her rich and stable fiance for a life with Noah who has done nothing with his life for the last 10 yearsIn New Girl, Jess falls for Nick who is a bitter alcoholic that has a box of unpaid bills stuffed under his bed! Rose leaves her fiance for Jack and I mean,the list goes on.  The movies have a way of romanticizing the idea of a man who can’t afford a phone and lives in a studio apartment where he smokes cigars and writes poetry that he swears he is going to publish someday.  I mean, he’s spontaneous and the thought of not knowing what’s ahead can seem exciting.  But it’s not. It’s not exciting.  The reality is he probably lives off food stamps and eats ramen and ketchup and your fights consist of arguing over whether you’re going to pay the water bill or go without gas for another week.

tumblr_inline_mmpuscz8tP1qz4rgp

So, there you have it. All the creepy, confusing and false ideas of love that live within this brain of mine. What are some things Hollywood has taught you about love?

Scriptfinity-How-to-Lose-a-Guy-in-10-Days-still-bathroom

Sharing is my love language! Like this post? Feel free to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever else you’d like!

Valentine's Day Part 3: My Valentine's Day Booty Call

There is always a first for everything.

Ladies and gentlemen, I experienced my first Buti call.

Once upon a time, like 3 days ago, I was a sad girl at the gym.  No literally.  I called my mom while on the stationary bike and cried openly about stuff like how I don’t look like Beyonce and the terrors of being so broke that I have to drink non-organic coffee. You could say that I was not feeling particularly motivated this evening, but I knew that since I am going to Vegas to see Britney in a few days, I needed to follow her words of wisdom. You want a hot body? You better work B****. As I was very un-passionately working out on the elliptical, I had a brilliant idea. I should look to see if there are any classes being offered. That way I will be forced to stay. So, I walked up to the counter and looked at the schedule.  Up next, Buti (pronounced booty) Yoga.  Hmm, sounds nice and relaxing. Plus, I pride myself on being a seasoned Bikram Yoga attendee, so all other yoga is child’s play compared to that.

I walked into the class and waited patiently for the instructor to arrive.  She walks in looking like your typical Victoria’s Secret model who weighs in at 89 lbs yet still has muscles that intimidate me.  She looks at the class and says, “You’re going to love it. Especially with Valentine’s Day coming up.”

That should have been my first clue that I was out of place. But I just thought…”Um, ok. Whatever that means.”

Then, the music begins playing.  Now I’m expecting some hippy Enya song to come out of the speakers but no. Oh, no no. It’s SHAKIRA.  The instructor then begins moving her hips back and forth and advises us to do the same.

“Feel the music and feel empowered!” She yelled as her hair swayed back and forth with her hips.  “Really rock your hips so you can release your chakra” she says as she strips down to just a bra and “buti” shorts that I’m pretty sure is just a fancy word for, I don’t know, UNDERWEAR.

Oh my goodness.  What is this?

She begins doing other awkward hips shaking moves and tells us to shake our “buti” with it.  So, here I am. Trying to mimic the instructor who is swaying her hips back and forth, shaking her “buti” and throwing her arms in a circular motion in the air as she flips her hair side to side.

I suddenly began to feel like I was in a 50 cent music video except I looked more like this…

taylor-dancing-01

I embrace my white girl status and just do the best I can.  I will admit that I got a little excited when she pulled a classic Britney “Slave for You” dance move and I envisioned I was dancing with a giant yellow snake around my arms! It strangely helped.

My Britney impersonation soon fades and it’s time to move to the floor exercises. We go into downward dog and then into a plank.  She then tells us to hold the plank and pop our “buti” to the beat of the music. I don’t even know what I was doing but I’m pretty sure I’m supposed to be saving that for marriage.  At this point, Dark Horse by Katy Perry is playing.  I really never expected to be booty popping to that song any time soon, let alone sober.

I wanted to scream and cry and run out of that room so fast! The walls seemed to be caving in a around me and my hips were doing things that I vowed at a youth group convention to never let anyone see! At this point, I not only feel like an awkward pretend stripper who’s about to lose her job, but I have officially seen more of the instructor’s body than I ever wanted to see of any woman!

I try to gather my thoughts as I’m in some random booty popping position and just then, Sasha Fierce spoke to me.  Suddenly, a Beyonce song came on the same time the fans came on.  Since I had forgotten a pony tail holder, my hair was down so the fans blew my hair. I looked at myself in the mirror with my hair blowing gloriously and thought, “I AM BEYONCE! I AM SASHA FIERCE! NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW!”

tumblr_mhocu7tv1e1qh9nffo1_500

The class came to a close shortly after that and I laid in my peaceful one minute savasana as I wondered if I need to say some sort of prayer asking for forgiveness for what I had just done.

So, there you have it.  My only Valentine’s Day buti call.  Oh and PS: I googled “buti yoga” upon my arrival home and it’s homepage had a picture of a girl in a bikini and the description said things like, “free the female spirit” and “to cure something hidden or secret.”

Jesus, please forgive me for I knew not what I was about to do.

bridget-jones-working-out

Sharing is my love language! Like this post? Feel free to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever else you’d like!

Valentine's Day Part 2: Single People are the WORST!

There are two specific times when people seem to forget about decent internet behavior.  First being presidential election season.  People whom I generally like literally become monsters and spend hours arguing on one simple status update that reads, “Go Republican!” They are like wild bears during mating season and will stop at nothing until they get what they want.

Actually, I literally have no idea what bear mating season is like. Is there a mating season? Anyways, since we are on the topic of mating, that leads me to the second worse time of the year for the internet: Valentine’s Day.

I am single. So, naturally you might assume that I hate this time of the year because of all the beautiful and romantic couples that post “I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY CAN’T WAIT FOR TONIGHT XOXO” on each others walls. You might think that I hate seeing my peers and even girls I used to babysit post pictures of them and their significant other at a romantic dinner filled with champagne and appetizers that cost more than my whole week’s worth of groceries.  But, you are wrong. Why do I hate the internet this time of year? Oh no no, it is not because I am sulking in my God-forsaken season of unending singleness as I watch love throw up all over my news-feed. It’s quite the opposite. It’s because of all the single ladies (and boys).

Like clockwork, on February 1st every single person comes out of hiding and begins to broadcast their relationship status for the entire world to see.  Even those that generally stay under the radar on Facebook come out of hibernation and begin flooding your newsfeed with passive-aggressive posts about how they are “forever alone” in the hopes that the man or woman of their dreams will find pity on them and ask them out.

But they don’t. They never ask you out. In fact, you are asking the question, “why am I single” and I would encourage you to look at your wall for the last 12 days or so and I’ll let you answer that question yourself. Please stop embarrassing and mis-representing single people all around you.  Some single people actually like the idea of their friends and family experiencing love and romance while they browse the same crappy movie selection on Netflix for the ten-thousandth time. Some singles like to hang out with their friends and buy themselves flowers and chocolates for the 27th year in a row. SOME PEOPLE LIKE IT OKAY?!

taylor-swift-crying-o

But seriously, you single people need to calm yourself.  Stop Taylor Swifting the world and displaying your every lonely emotion for the world to see. The couples that you complain about actually give me hope that someday I’ll find the Jay-Z to my Beyonce.  The K-Fed to my Britney…wait, no. I found my K-Fed and that story will be saved for an entirely different blog.  I’ll need to get the okay from my therapist to post that one though.

So, there is my rant for the day.  Singles, be happy.  Couples in love, be happy.  Now, let’s all hold hands, sing kumbaya and eat chocolate shaped hearts together.

ustv_friends_cast_shot

Sharing is my love language! Like this post? Feel free to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever else you’d like!

Valentine's Day Part 1: The One That Got Away

In case you haven’t heard or noticed the red and pink cut out hearts and overpriced boxes of chocolates at your neighborhood store, Valentines Day is just around the corner.

A day where love is celebrated and Prozac prescriptions are refilled simultaneously.

I love Valentines Day so much. Actually, I love the awkwardness of Valentines Day.  I love the sad and angry singles, the oblivious and annoying newlyweds, and everything in between.  I love it so much that I decided to post a blog every day this week documenting my random thoughts and/or memories on the holiday.

Growing up, Valentines Day was always very stressful.  It was a day that needed weeks of preparation.  First, I had to pick out the absolute best Valentine’s Day card that would be passed out to every classmate during the mandatory VD party. Second, after choosing the best set of cards (my awkward and sheltered private schooled self normally choose something along the lines of Winnie-the-Pooh or Clarissa Explains it All) I had to sort through all the cards and decide which ones to give to whom.  My least favorite classmates always got a generic “Happy Valentines Day!” message while my best friend would always get my favorite of the pick that normally said something like “You’re Tigger-iffic! Be Mine!” (Again, let me stress that I was a socially awkward private school kid who didn’t know where babies came from until I was like, 11).

I hated passing out Valentine’s Day cards.  It was always awkward and being my true self, I made it a point to completely avoid eye contact with any boy I found to be remotely cute (some things literally never change).  So, not only did I have to force eye contact, I actually had to give him a Valentine’s Day card that I specifically picked out for him! It was horrifying! I still remember navigating myself through the maze of 6th grade desks to Craig Johnson.  Craig Johnson was not like any other boy I had ever known.  He had been to a public school, so he was well-versed in non-Christian things.  His parents let him watch The Titanic, he listened to Blink-182, and I’m pretty sure I heard him say “dammit” on more than one occasion.  He was the epitome of a bad boy in my world and he was everything I ever wanted.  The problem was that he never noticed me.  Maybe it was the Winnie-the-Pooh overalls or maybe it was the over-sized prescription glasses that threw him off. To this day, I will never know.

The point is, I was in love and I now had the opportunity to face the love of my life and reveal my true feelings through a Valentine’s Day card.  So, I did what any good Christian girl would do.  I picked the most generic card that revealed no form of emotion or attraction, wrote his name on it and handed it to him as if I was being forced or tortured. I then walked away praying, “Lord, if it’s your will for us to be together, please reveal it to his heart.”

Fast forward 3 more years.  I am now a mature and blossoming 9th grader and I am SO OVER Craig Johnson! The Lord never revealed it to his heart for him to marry me, so I moved onto greater things. Plus, he had transferred to another school, so that helped. I exchanged my grandma glasses for BLUE glasses and my overalls for bell bottoms.  I did rebellious things like listen to the Backstreet Boys behind my parents back and watch every Britney MTV special I could squeeze in.

Valentine’s Day cards were so over and now Candy Grams were all the rage.  I had already emotionally prepared for this day because if it was anything like the years prior, I would only receive 2 candy grams.  One from my Nana (who worked at my school) and one from my sister because my mom literally made us buy one for each other.  Every year it was emotionally traumatic as the “student council” kids disrupted class to pass them out because I always seemed to receive the least in the class. I, my friends, was Gretchen Weinered every year.

tumblr_mjhivlX3l91s68jizo1_500

I was fully prepared for the humiliation and was ready to pretend that I didn’t care about juvenile things like Valentine’s Day. Then, something happened.  I received not one, not two, not even five but SEVEN candy grams! SEVEN! THE NUMBER OF THE LORD! As I looked over my desk overflowing with the goodness of cupid, one candy gram in particular stuck out to me. I picked it up and it read, “Happy Valentines Day! I love you! PS. Craig Johnson thinks you’re cute! Love, Cara.” (Side note: although Craig had switched to a different school, we had recently seen each other at a birthday party and exchanged glances over Dominos pizza and Surge).

My heart began racing. My face flushed with red joy as I looked around the room. CRAIG JOHNSON THINKS I’M CUTE! I’M THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN THE WORLD!

tumblr_m3afg68Q8n1r9rwv5o1_500

You see, that Valentines Day, everything changed for me.  It was the day I realized that I’m not always the ugly duckling.  It is possible to have the man of my dreams like me in return. Sometimes, when I want to escape reality or when my Netflix isn’t working, I think back to that day and relish in the emotions and feelings of popularity that overwhelmed me.  Was he the Jack the my Rose? The Justin to my Britney? Not exactly. But I sure did feel like a star.  I actually have no idea where Craig Johnson is these days.  Judging from recent Facebook posts, most likely in a tanning booth.

Well, that concludes my random story for the day. If you learned anything from this, I hope you learned that a single candy gram can change a life forever.

Sharing is my love language! Like this post? Feel free to share it on Facebook, Twitter, Google+ or wherever else you’d like!